It's Been A While...

It's been 2 years exactly since I started this blog. It has been over a year since my last post. And as always with life, a lot has happened.

I admitted to myself that my depression was back. It was different this time around, though - I knew the cause. So I put what little energy I had into changing that cause. Shortly after I decided this, my grandma died.

It was a blessing. She was in a lot of pain towards the end. Cancer really is a painful disease, for both the sick and the ones close to them. Blessing aside, the pain of missing her didn't (and still doesn't) hurt any less. I was very close with her. I basically am her. For some people, that puts a strain on the relationship. But for us, it brought us closer. A lot of the time we didn't even need to talk - we could communicate perfectly through a single look. To say she was an incredible woman is an understatement. I couldn't be more proud of my similarities to her. 

A few months later, I started to come to peace with her death. And the change I needed to help my depression happened. I was starting to feel better, more myself.

Then one of my best friends died.

With my grandma, I had time. The last time I saw her to say goodbye was more perfect than anything I could have hoped for. But with my friend...

She had just turned 24. Even though she was working for the Peace Corps in Malawi we talked almost every week. We were in the middle of a conversation when it happened. She was just as indescribably incredible as my grandma. She always listened and had the most thoughtful and helpful advice. She had such a passion for life and every type of culture in it. From her sarcastic sense of humor to her selfless love, she was one of the brightest souls I've ever known. I will never forget her laugh or her come backs.

Up until this point of my life I was lucky enough to escape this heavy feeling of loss. My grandpa died earlier, but I was young enough to not feel the impact in such a harsh way.

I am a big believer that everything happens for a reason. Now I deeply questioned that belief. What possible reason could there be for this? Sometimes I disappear into a deep dark hole of all the life experiences she will never get to have.

I isolated myself. I spent half my time burying myself in work. The other half I would numb my emotions by escaping through movies, TV shows, and alcohol.

More time passed, and I began to heal. I started to work less. I wanted to socialize more. I didn't feel the need to numb my emotions as much. It took me nearly a year, but I feel like I am back. I still cry randomly, and I still go into the deep dark hole sometimes. I'm not sure that's ever going to fully go away. But when I do that I don't feel as hopeless as before.

Like I said before, a lot happens in life. It's not all going to be positive. Most of it will be what people call "character building." As much as I hate to admit it, those people are right. Through all of this I re-centred myself. Realized what makes my happy. Understood that I can't control everything. I'm still working on believing everything happens for a reason. But I do know one thing more than ever - perseverance. You have to persevere. Allow yourself to be upset. Get angry or sad or frustrated. But give it a time limit. When that time is up, let it go and move on the best you can. It's easier said than done but no matter what it takes one step at a time.

This blog has always been an aspiration of mine. My creative side project. For a while, I would mentally beat myself up for not continuing to post. But I eventually realized I needed to give myself a break. I still took plenty of pictures through this time and I'm excited to share them. I'm even more excited to see where this blog goes from here. I have a lot of new ideas and new inspiration. As much as I will try to stick to a schedule of posting often, that's never really been my style. But I will dive back in with new vigour.

And so a toast - here's to getting lost.